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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen
Death Evening Life

More Quotes By Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
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Dream Nothing
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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God Name
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
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Food
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
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Luck Night
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
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Fun Rest Time
I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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Food Man
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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Education
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
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Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
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Mistakes
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
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Life
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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People Waking World
I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
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Want Wife
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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Parents
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
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Suicide
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen
Death Experience
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
Woody Allen
Being Choice First Funny
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen
Being Car
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Woody Allen
Comedy Drama Problems
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen
Practice
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Woody Allen
Life Loneliness Misery Suffering
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen
Nothingness
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
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Love
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
God Opposition
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen
Gold
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody Allen
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
Financial Money Poverty
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen
Laughter
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen
God
If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.
Woody Allen
Profit Right
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen
Wife
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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Life Regret
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
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Chess
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen
Experience Love Pretty Sex
I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Want
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Woody Allen
Death Lying
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
Dying Immortality Want Work
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
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Want
Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen
Death Hope Marriage
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
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Now
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
Boats Home Wife
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Want
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
Night
Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Woody Allen
Idea Money Now Right
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
Woody Allen
Government
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.
Woody Allen
Words
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
Art Life Television
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen
Action Parents